Recently, I’ve found myself censoring the things that I want to say on my blog because of the vitriol that spouts from my brain. But I really do want to make my values and standards clear, so I implore you not to judge me or condemn me.
There are four music captains, including myself. Together, we are responsible for organizing the solo performers and two separate ensemble performances for the blue house, Rowell. Everything seemed to be going relatively smoothly – we picked 6 soloists for Ms. Carlile, the music teacher in charge of IHM, to give the green light. What we didn’t realize was that we had to find 12 soloists (1 backup for each category).
Although it may not sound that important, what this really meant was that we’d sent out an email to auditioning hopefuls to prematurely crush their dreams, as well as almost everyone thinking that we’d decided on our soloists even though they hadn’t gone through the proper auditions. Frankly, I was so mortified and disappointed in myself that I couldn’t stop crying. To make matters worse, immediately after Ms. Carlile got mad at us I went for my audition and obviously screwed it up because I wasn’t mentally or physically prepared at all. Not to mention, she was so nice about the whole gigantic mess that I felt even shittier. I did agree with her that she wanted to hear more talent to encourage inclusivity, and that we couldn’t just put in anyone we wanted. To be fair, we had no intention of bias but it’s understandable as to why she would say that.
My mom says that I should stop stressing out and share the load with my team, especially since the more things that are cluttered in my brain, the more disorganized and unproductive I’ll become. And besides, there’s no “head” music captain. Even so, I feel more responsible for the mistake because it’s usually me or the other responsible captain who gets the work done, whereas the other two drift on and off. Since this is my second year as music captain I feel like I need to do more and set a better example, whereas for the rest of the team, they’re two years younger than me and it’s their first time in the job. It’s my job to train them.
But at the same time, there’s the Mr. Hyde coming out of me. Why do I have to organize everything and sort out the communications, and deal with everything that’s thrown at us? Everything seems like it’s marked with red tape with red lights at every corner. It’s egocentric, selfish and immature, but I want to flounce out as carefree as the Year 10s. While I’ve got a few bazillion commitments and IB, they’ve barely just started GCSEs. Sometimes I feel like asking if they have a single shred of responsibility in their souls. Also, how nice is too nice, and how strict is too strict? I don’t want to be taken advantage of, or become hated.
I don’t hate them, nor do I blame them for acting like that. It’s completely understandable – I was probably the same when I was in Year 10 myself. Cynicism may the scourge of the older generation, but I believe that especially in high school, there is a pronounced step up of mentality and maturity over a span of 2 years. Mostly, what I hate the most is myself and my inability to use reason, and rush through everything just for the sake of getting it done, so I hate who I am. I know that crying is pointless, but it’s gotten to the point where I can’t have fun, for fear of wasting time, or talk aimlessly, for fear of wasting time. It’s exhausting, and I’m exhausted. I’m tired of taking responsibility for everything, putting everything on my back all the time and then beating myself up for it, but I keep doing it anyway because usually it motivates me to do better. Now, it just drags me down and I can’t keep my head up the way I used to be able to. Staying just above the surface of the water, enough to breathe without inhaling swampy water.